Happy Belated Ferris Wheel Day!

Yes, yesterday was Ferris Wheel Day!

The first Ferris Wheel was the highlight of the1893 World's Fair. It was created by Pittsburgh, PA bridge builder, George W. Ferris (whose birthday is Feb. 14). Supported by two 140 foot steel towers, its 45 foot axle was the largest single piece of forged steel in the world at the time. The wheel itself was 264 feet high. It had 36 wooden cars that could each hold 60 people. It cost 50 cents per ride - a high price in 1893.

Wow!!!! Isn't that interesting???

Henceforth, I shall only acknowledge Feb. 14 as Ferris Wheel Day (As opposed to a day dedicated to phony sentiment and Hallmark brainwashing. I'm not bitter. I swear. I'm not!).

But I'll make one last mention of VD: I was floored by the number of people I saw ransacking the aisles of Walgreens yesterday at 2pm. I mean, I'm definitely the Queen of the Procrastinators, but that seems like cutting it a bit close. I actually felt a little bad for the guys who got these really sad looks on their faces when they realized all that was left were some plush skunks that sang "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love" and some picked-over Russell Stover candy (and we all know Russell Stover candy is a nice way of saying, "I love you, but not enough to actually put any thought or money into this gift."

And while we're mentioning Happy ____ Days, happy birthday to my girl Rhi! Also, happy belated birthday to Erin, Scott, Jon and Chrissy. And happy upcoming birthday (because I know I'll forget otherwise) to Jen and Taz.

The Mane Event

I'll be the first to admit it: I'm not a big fan of the Super Bowl. Well, at least not the actual game part. I do look forward to ingesting copious amounts of guacamole and chicken wings. I still go to Super Bowl parties because I feel like a traitor to my country if I don't. If I didn't watch the Super Bowl, it would be like saying I don't like apple pie or baseball or the Fourth of July. It would be like giving the finger to the American flag. I watch the Super Bowl year after year because that's what George Washington would have wanted, dammit.

But this year, I was actually captivated, entranced, seduced by something so awe-inspiring, so glorious, I was afraid to look at it too long for fear I might go blind. This thing had little to do with the game itself, though it made its presence felt throughout the proceedings. This thing, my friends, was Troy Polamalu's Mane of Life.

Who is Troy Polamalu? some of you might be wondering. Don't ask me. I hadn't heard of the guy until Sunday night. Apparently, he is good at football, because he helped the Pittsburgh Steeler's win the game. I guess he is a safety. I don't really know what a safety does, nor do I care.

The point is this: I have found a suitable backup. For those of you who don't know, it has been a dream of mine for years to convince Slash, he of the awesome mane and rockin' Guns N' Roses guitar solos, to procreate with me, thereby creating the Curliest-Haired Baby in the World. I believe it would be quite a thing to be the mother of a child who possesses a fro both feared and revered. But thus far, Slash has not been very cooperative. I have higher hopes for Mr. Polamalu. I don't know why; he is married, Roman Catholic and a professional football player. All signs point to no. But I have a feeling he'll be into it. If all else fails, there's always the Joy of Painting guy. Oh, crap. He's dead, isn't he? Perhaps I can find a mere mortal with some hot curlage.

Phuck You, Phil

Not cool, Phil. Not cool. Who the hell do you think you are, coming out of your stupid little mini-cave once a year, telling us there's going to be six more weeks of shitty weather? Did Jerry Taft die and make you meterologist? Because last time I checked, he was alive and kicking, still making lame weather jokes in his lovable weatherman way. So crawl back inside you little hole, Phil. We don't want your doomsday predictions.

I believe Phil Connor of Groundhog Day said it best: "I think This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat."